mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
