did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
