connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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