I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
