I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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