I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
