I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
