i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
