i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
