You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Fuck appropriateness.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
