at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
