I faked an abortion last night.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
