You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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