So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
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If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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