Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
