finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
