he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
