Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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