I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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