i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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