I wish my penis had an off switch
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
