I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
