I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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