bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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