I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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