I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
