Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
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I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize