This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
