She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Drake has all the answers
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
