Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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