How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
