So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
