She is in my trunk
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
