Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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