I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
