They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
