so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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