i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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