I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
