Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
