I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
