i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
