Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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