This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
