If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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