Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
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i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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