omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
