What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
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