i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
