I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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