I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
