I smell stomach acid.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
