Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
