Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
