I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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