Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
