My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
