You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
